When learning of another’s pain, 

remember this is about them.

When someone summons the courage to tell us of something terrible that happened to them, we may fall speechless. Not knowing what best to say, we may mumble how sorry we are and can’t imagine what he is going through.

Alternatively, we may relate how we understand because something disturbing also happened to us. And then detail what happened.

The first response is at least indicative of how we sincerely care.

The second response focuses on the wrong person—on us.

So what can we say instead?

“Thank you. Thank you for trusting that I will support you.” With that the person knows we will not diminish their hurt. Yes, this opening is from our perspective but the point of focus is on the other person, on their suffering. After this, we listen attentively, trying to understand what they are thinking and feeling, which may be somewhat overwhelming. But it will help us figure how best to alleviate the suffering. 

We don’t know what others are thinking, 

so rather than assume something negative, 

let’s imagine something good.

When observing others’ behavior, it can be tempting to assign various motives to them. Especially when we find their behavior questionable, or even objectionable. But we shouldn’t be judging others. Period.

And why are we even trying to figure out other peoples’ wandering thoughts? Isn’t this just indulging in our own wandering thoughts? And why, when we’re imagining other’s thoughts, do we so often paint those thoughts as negative? Might it be that those negative thoughts are more a reflection of what’s in our own mind? After all, we’re the ones who imagined the thoughts.

The next time we’re tempted to write the script for what another person is thinking, how about giving him the benefit of the doubt. Let’s imagine something good! We’ll be happier, and so will he when we act toward them from our good thoughts.