Offering criticism in a timely, respectful manner.

(Part Two) 

Having learned previously in Part One who falls within our parameters for offering critical remarks to—those we have a good affinity with—we next need to know how we advise in a manner we wish others would use with us. Other than in times of danger, it’s largely a matter of timing and approach.

Try hard to not correct someone in front of others or when you’re upset.

Instead of bluntly criticizing them, phrase the comments in terms the person is more likely to accept.

Don’t say the person is wrong, just that you believe what they did was. Then explain why and what might have been done instead. Have a respectful conversation, don’t give a lecture.

As the Buddha advised: “If you know anything that is hurtful and untrue, don’t say it.

If you know anything that is helpful but untrue, don’t say it.

If you know anything that is hurtful but true, don’t say it.

If you know anything that is helpful and true, find the right time.” 

Offering criticism in a timely, respectful manner.

(Part One) 

Discerning when and how to criticize someone remains a skill few of us have mastered.

Let’s face it, we haven’t even grasped the more basic issue of who we should—and can—criticize. We seem to think it’s a wide-open field. Anyone stumbling into that field who acts in a manner we wouldn’t is subject to the critical remarks bubbling up within us and, unless we manage to catch ourselves, spewing forth.

Wonderful. As if we needed another karmic enmity.

So who do we criticize? Those we are responsible for, like our children or subordinates at work. Those we have a good affinity with and who are open to our suggestions like some family members, friends, and close co-workers. Those we love and respect, who love and respect us.

If there is a good affinity and we feel someone will welcome our opinions, we offer them. For those with whom the affinity is weaker, or non-existent, we guide through setting examples.

And keep out opinions to ourselves.

When stung by criticism, 

is it because the comments were unjustified or 

embarrassingly accurate? 

Criticism can hurt.

Unless helpfully offered, either in delivery or by the right person, it’s easy for us to feel offended or even under attack. If not a case of the person sharply censuring us in front of others, why might we feel so taken aback?

Perhaps the critique is unfair, in which case it’s not surprising we’re dismayed. After having taken the time and put forth the effort to complete a task correctly, here is someone claiming we did it incorrectly.

But what if the criticism is valid. If so, we may well act from embarrassment. Embarrassment over having done something badly and not known it. Or, aware what we did was poorly executed, we didn’t know how to fix the mistakes and didn’t ask for help. Or even worse, knowing there were mistakes, we didn’t bother to correct them.

Next time, instead of being hurt, view the critique as an opportunity to cultivate patience and diligence.