Forgiveness does not mean we do not care

or that the other person is pardoned. 

Our forgiving others does not mean they will escape their karmic consequences. We can forgive; we cannot pardon. Nor does forgiving mean we do not care about what happened—it means we understand.

Understand that actions will unfailingly have consequences.

Understand the potency of one’s karmic force amassed over uncountable lifetimes.

Understand the futility of embracing our desire for retaliation.

By forgiving, we ease our pain. Also, we spare ourselves having to act as judge and­ executioner. The wrongdoer’s just retribution will occur naturally; we do not have to dispense it. Instead of expending energy on vengeful thoughts, we can release them. Failing to do so, they will pull us down into a spiral of anger, reprisal, and more suffering. As the Buddha cautioned, being angry is like holding a hot coal waiting to throw it at another.

We are the one who gets burned. Now, and for lifetimes to come.

Hatred is like a slippery slope:

easy to descend but arduous to scale. 

Most of us have undergone emotional upheaval as a once loving relationship mutated into an acrimonious one. I would imagine that far fewer of us have managed to transform hatred into appreciation and love.

The slide into hatred can begin with our teetering between excusing the other's behavior and justifying our feelings. Then we start to cast blame and look to absolve ourselves.

The other person acted unreasonably. We behaved admirably.

They are guilty of wrongdoing. We are innocent.

Our smoldering emotions erupt, and we fly into a rage. Hatred hardens in our heart, an uninvited guest who has taken up residence. We need to realize that whether its cause was unjust or valid, we were wrong to succumb to hatred, allowing it to fester and grow. Instead of ending our suffering, we increased it. Rather than helping all beings, we injured them.

Such is the terrible price of descending into hatred.

After seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and touching,

discriminatory thoughts arise,

habits solidify, control lessens,

and suffering increases.

Through our senses, we perceive our world. Feelings arise, ideas form. Opinions become set. Liking this, I want more; disliking that, I want it to go away. Such impressions accumulate in our store consciousness. We form habitual ways of responding to our assumptions rather than the facts and act emotionally rather than with understanding.

Reacting from habits, we do not stop to formulate the wisest course of action. We respond automatically, unaware the control we had over our thoughts and behavior is waning. The more we fail to exercise control and the more careless we become, the more mistakes we make. Since we act negligently and harm others, our ensuing sufferings will worsen.

What can we do?

Observe clearly, but do not attach, do not discriminate.

Act compassionately from understanding, not uncontrollably from emotions.  

Just as time is needed for a perfume bottle’s fragrance to fade away,

it takes time for the scent of our habits

to wane.

Even after we wash and dry an empty perfume bottle, the fragrance will linger. Although the perfume is long since gone, its scent, or “habit energy,” remains and will need time to dissipate.

In a similar manner, our bad habits also need time to be dispelled. Even after we curtail an action, its habit energy, like the scent of perfume, remains. Lured by the habit energy’s lingering presence, we find it difficult to break the energy’s hold and cease the action.

The bottle held the perfume for just a few years and yet considerable time is required before the last traces of odor disappear. The few years the perfume has existed are nothing compared to the countless lifetimes we have committed misdeeds.

We will need a long time of diligently not acting from that habit energy for the habit to finally be extinguished. 

To no longer be attached is to be free of

self-centered thoughts and expectations. 

Non-attachment falls between two extremes. On the one hand lies detachment, the absence of being emotionally involved. Others often perceive a detached person as aloof, not caring. Clearly, not our goal.

On the other hand lies attachment, being emotionally entangled with a focus on a person, object, or idea. Not our goal either!

We seek non-attachment, which falls in the dedicated, hard-working middle ground. While not emotionally entangled, we still care. Very much so. And so we do our best in everything we undertake. But we do not get caught up in egoistic thoughts. Facing a task, we can ask, “What is the best way to do this” rather than state, “I want to do it this way.” Having thus reined in our ego, we stop expecting a desired outcome. Then when things do not go our way, as invariably happens, we will not fall prey to obstinacy and regrets.

Finally, no longer attached or entangled, we will be free.