a buddhist perspective

Question: I work in a small office and recently one of my co-workers told the others I had asked why something was done in a certain way. Saying this made me sound really dumb. What I had said was that I knew why something was done in a certain way but thought another way would be more helpful to our customers and then asked the person what she thought about changing.

This is not the first time something like this has happened and I feel like I should set the record straight and let the others know what I really said. I'm the only one she does this to and it's really bothering me.

Response: When something like this happens our first reaction is often to become angry and defensive. Largely because we're embarrassed. We know the person isn't reporting what happened correctly. If this is a singular instance, we can credit it to the other person's not remembering accurately. But when it happens a few times, we become more irritated because it feels like the person is acting intentionally.

To "set the record" straight, you might go to the other person and try to settle the situation amicably. To do this we first need to let go of our anger. This would be easier to do if it was just the first or second time something like this happened. The more this has happened and the more we tell ourselves how unfair and wrong this person is, the more difficult it will be for us to speak calmly and wisely. And the greater the risk of making a difficult situation worse!

Usually in such a situation it is our ego that is hurt. No one likes to appear "dumb." We worry about what our other co-workers will think of us. We tell ourselves it's not fair and wonder what we did to deserve this mistreatment. After all, we've always been nice to this person!

The situation mentioned is most likely karmic. We need to calm down and tell ourselves that we must have done something to deserve this. Basically, the person is not being a loyal co-worker. If we honestly believe we have never been disloyal to this person (and we need to be completely honest in examining our behavior here), we can ask whether we have been perfectly loyal to all our other co-workers. To all our family members? To all our friends? Did we ever exaggerate something about them or speak unkindly about them because we were irritated with something they did, or didn't do?

If we did—and most of us will have done so—then we're not the complete innocent we thought we were in the above scenario. Realizing this, it will be easier to let go of our sense that what happened is unjustified and unfair.

We also need to remind ourselves that our co-workers will not think less of us based on a few things someone says about us. Instead of trying to defend ourselves—and thus create more problems for the future—we can remain quiet. Out energy will be better spent on being a loyal co-worker and a competent, not dumb, employee.

Those who have listened to me talk in the last several months know I am having trouble speaking due to vocal cord damage.

A few days ago I arrived back in Nanango, Australia where I am living in a small Buddhist community. I had mentioned to Celine this morning that my throat was painful again, and she responded that I had been speaking too much yesterday at the centre but could be quiet today.  So, I used the Etch-a-Sketch like board she had gotten for me to write questions, etc. during the morning.  At lunch, however, I didn't have the board handy so started to join in the conversation. (We are social creatures of habit and remaining quiet even when everyone knows we're not to talk still feels antisocial.) So I began to talk, but Celine reminded me I was not to talk and jokingly said what I was going to say was not that important anyhow.

And she was absolutely right.

What I was about to contribute to the conversation was unnecessary. The conversation about the garden Nancy and Kelly were working on continued beautifully without me.  What I was about to contribute wasn't important. There's nothing unusual about that. (No. Not just for me. ;-)) Much of what most of us say isn't important. Now, a little unimportant conversation to be polite to others isn't that bad, but how many of us stop at "a little."

How much of our time is spent in unnecessary conversation every day? One hour? Two? Whatever it is, it adds up. And how many times in that unnecessary conversation do we say something that irritates or even hurts another person? However many times we did, it was that many times too much. For the sake of meaningless conversation, we will have created an enmity. One that we will encounter in the future.

So while I do not in any way recommend you go out and damage your vocal cords, I do recommned you consider before you speak. Is what you are about to say really important? Would it be wiser to simply remain silent. 

One day I was doing prostrations in my dorm room. The session was fairly long for me and I felt wonderful. As I left the building to go to the main building, I saw another nun. She approached me, looked at me for a second and announced that she had something to tell me. She admitted that, actually, she had had something for a few days but was afraid it would make me angry. (I know nuns are not supposed to become angry but this is still samsara.) She proceeded to tell me her news, and I smiled and said no problem. She was very relieved and we happily walked together to the other building.

To say something to others, we need to find the right words AND the right time.  

In the Diamond Sutra, we read of a bodhisattva who was viciously attacked and killed while he was meditating quietly on a moun­tain. But due to his level of understanding and his calm, clear mind, he felt no anger, no hatred.

I think it is safe to say that few of us are at that level. We have trouble dealing with everyday minor problems. For example, one where someone cuts us off as we are driving down the road. This happens all the time. Instead of acting out of anger by blowing the horn or trying to speed up to cut the other person off, how might we react?

Recently, a young woman told me that she practices patience while driving. She allows herself ample time to arrive at her destination. This enables her to drive at a moderate speed. If someone cuts her off, no problem! Not in a rush, she is able to remain unaffected by the carelessness or rudeness of others. She might arrive at her destination a few minutes later than if she had been speeding and weaving in and out of traffic, but it is worth it because she arrives in a calm, happy mood.

These are the situations we encounter—life’s daily annoyances and frustrations. Whether it be the rudeness of the clerk in a store, the telemarketer we cannot get rid of, or the person at work who always argues with us, these are the real-life circumstances that we encounter countless times during the day. These are the very times when we should practice what the Buddha spoke of.

It is most important that, in our cultivation, we correct our wrong mindset. If we are not happy with a person or a situation, this will obstruct our rebirth in the Pure Land, because our minds are not pure. This is why it is hard to attain rebirth in the Land of Ultimate Bliss and why Mr. Li Bingnan (one of Ven. Master Chin Kung's three teachers) said that only one or two out of 10,000 Pure Land practitioners succeed in attaining rebirth there.

Most practitioners only manage to suppress, not uproot, their afflictions. It entirely depends on their luck on their deathbed. If they cannot suppress their afflictions, which arise at the moment of their last breath, they will fall into the Three Evil Paths.

Therefore, we have to work hard to dissolve our dislike or hatred in daily life. We should not hold grudge any more. Instead, we should become more compassionate.

If someone holds a grudge against us, we should treat that person with compassion and gratitude.

Why gratitude? Because he or she helps us achieve the Paramita of Precept Observation and the Paramita of Patience. When we do not harbor the thought of taking revenge, this is keeping the precept of no killing. When we do not harbor anger, this is patience. He or she helps us achieve the Six Paramitas. Isn’t this kindness?

Our afflictions and residual habits from uncountable kalpas are dissolved here and now. In this way, there will be no obstruction to our practice of nianfo and attainment of rebirth in the Land of Ultimate Bliss, and we will be able to move Amitabha Buddha to come and guide us on our deathbed.

If there is anything in this world that we cannot let go, it will become an obstacle to us.

~ Based on Ven. Master Chin Kung's 2003 lecture series on the Amitabha Sutra